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Masterbatters snap 27-game win streak against Headliners and Grant

By Steve Ewen
HitBallFar.com Nuptials Reporter

Big Daddy went huge for the Headliners Monday night.

Grant, the artist formerly known as Biff, turned in arguably the greatest performance of his storied 'Liner career, leading everybody's favourite slopitch entertainment conglomerate to a stunning 16-11 triumph over the mighty Masterbatters before a late no-showing crowd at Montgomery Park South East.

It was the first loss in 27 games for the 'Batters, a streak which saw them win both the Midseason Classic tournament finale and the playoff championship last season. Grant pitched masterfully, holding the 'Batters to two runs over the first four innings, and then inducing two pop flys and a lazy groundout in a perfect eighth inning.

He also went 4-for-5 at the plate, with three doubles and a triple. He drove in two and scored three times himself.

"He's a monster, that fella," said team captain Ewen, dining on pizza supplied in lieu of snacks no-showing.

"We had no Coach, no Rintoul, no Jumbo...no a lot of guys. Grant showed us the way."

Ewen admitted he wasn't quite sure what kind of Grant the 'Liners were going to quit. With 'Liners bailing out like crew of the Titanic, Ewen began receiving cheery, don't-worry emails from the sometimes grumpy slugger.

Included was this one over 'Liner catcher/pitcher/infielder/outfielder/vixen Michelle asking for Ewen's cell number in regards to lining up new players and Grant passing it along.

"I decided, in an effort to circumvent the annoying 500 extra emails that it would have taken, that I would give her a direct line to your venerable self and allow the effervescent conversation between two amiable personages of your caliber," Grant wrote to Ewen.

"I'm not gonna lie...I didn't know what to make of it," said Ewen.

The calls between Michelle and Ewen proved fruitful, as the pair came to terms on a deal for the team's newest player, Brett. As per team policy, the contract wasn't worth talking about it in the media.

Brett, who has been linked romantically to Michelle by the softball papparazzi, played short and batted lead-off and reached base in his first four plates appearances, coming around to score each team. Another newcomer, Allen, played left field and had key hits in a six-run second and a four-run seventh.

'LINER NOTES: With the sudden shortage of players, the 'Liners are in contract negotations with Ian Walker, the Vancouver Sun writer better known as Buf Naked. ... Kudos to Poppy, who initially said wasn't planning on coming to the game because he had a golf tournament in Surrey during the day but came riding to the rescue when he heard there was fear of a forfeit.

'Liners come out on top in first annual Fiancee Bowl and win season opener

By Steve Ewen
HitBallFar.com Snacks Reporter

The Headliners took one for the team captain.

The 'Liners put together an impressive offensive performance and won the first annual Fiancee Bowl, beating Ewen's beloved Carol-Ann and her Earl's Albino Rhino crew 29-11 before a crowd of friends and future family at Montgomery Park North Centre.

Ewen was too busy receiving the spoils of victory to take part in his usual post-game press conference.

In what may be a related story, he's listed as day-to-day for next week with a "lower body injury."

His teammates were permitted to speak to the media in that oh-so rare moment when Ewen couldn't hog the spotlight.

"Ewen told me that Carol-Ann had to make him pancakes if we won," said shortstop Biff, who was his usual power-hitting self Monday night, with two home runs, a triple and seven RBIs. "I've heard it called a lot of things, but I've never heard it called 'making pancakes.'"

"Ewen told me that Carol-Ann had to do his taxes," said centre fielder Rintoul, who was 6-for-6 with six runs scored out of the lead-off spot.

"Ewen told me that Carol-Ann had to fold his laundry," said Big Daddy Rammer, the right fielder who started the game with back-to-back-to-back consecutive doubles.

"Which one is Ewen again?" said second sacker Lainger, who suffered a minor ankle injury late in the tilt and, in an ironic twist, had to have D-Tam and then Ewen pinch run for him.

It was a good first night for the 'Liners. They got to meet Rintoul's gal pal Fiona, who gladly pitched in when assorted 'Liners ladies were unavailable to show. She was solid defensively and reached on a fielder's choice in her only at-bat.

"Ewen said that a bunch of our women didn't show up because they are jealous that Carol-Ann has wooed him," said third baseman D-Tam, who stung a pair of singles Monday night. "That Ewen is crazy."

"Seriously...which one is Ewen again?" said Lainger.

The 'Liners also talked up Big Daddy Rammer and his wife Michelle becoming parents for the first time. They had a baby girl recently. They considered naming her Bobby Lenarduzzi Ramsbottom or John Furlong Ramsbottom, but went with Sarah Ann Ramsbottom instead.

Coach was absent Monday night due to the fact that PL-ed 'Liner Davina is due any day now.

"Ewen told me that they were going name the kid Jeff Zimmerman if it's a boy and Marc Weber if it's a girl," said left fielder Jumbo, who was 4-for-5 out of the No. 10 spot in the order.

With Coach away and Ewen too greedy to let Biff or Rintoul pitch, he put himself on the mound and struggled mightily. The knuckleball was knuckling, but his out pitch, the dreaded Biff ball -- "nobody knows what it might do..." -- wasn't getting it done.

Even catcher Holly, who's usually a Ewen supporter, cracked on him. When Ewen straightened out the plate before an inning, Holly told him, "That's not going to help you."

"Was Ewen the pitcher?" said Lainger.