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Poppy makes daddy proud as 'Liners win inaugural Fiancee Bowl

Real Dudes Wear Pink ... Marc Weber, aka P-Tart, Pop Tart, Virus, Cutter, Mr. Loose Pants, Daddy's Boy, celebrates hitting for the cycle against the EA Rhinos with a cool can of Dude beer.

By Steve Ewen
HitBallFar.com Foreign Correspondent

Poppy's ode to Pinky Tuscadero helped bring happy days to the Headliners.

Everybody's favourite slopitch entertainment franchise got to see the game through P-Diddy's rose-coloured shirt, since that's pretty much all anybody spotted racing around the bases. The Cutter hit for the cycle in a 6-for-6, six-run, five-RBI effort, spearheading a 37-14 dusting of the expansion Earl's Albino Rhinos on Dude Night at Gordon Park South East.

The victory, along with a 28-11 win over the Rhinos in the season opener, gave the 'Liners a sweep of the Fiancee Bowl and handed team captain Ewen bragging rights over his beloved Carol-Ann, the captain of the Rhinos. If he's smart, he won't use them.

Ewen did seem a little off in the post-game media festivities, for what it's worth. Usually quite chatty with the slopitch press, Ewen stepped up the mike this time and blurted out, "Brett, you take it," before scampering off for some of Tracey's lovely Canadian Day cookies. (Shameless sucking up to Tracey.)

Brett, a VMRESSSSSSSS rookie of the year candidate, gamely handled the mike matters.

"Poppy almost had as many hits tonight as he has nicknames," said Brett, who was his usual stellar self at short Tuesday night. "That says something. Everytime I turn around, they're calling him something different. And, quite frankly, I'm afraid to ask why Ewen calls him Mr. Lose Pants."

The Virus was making the Rhinos a little queasy, as he had a hat trick of triples, to go with a two-run home run and a double, by the seventh inning. All Poopy needed for the cycle was a single, and he chipped in with that during a nine-run eighth inning.

"Whatever the guy's name is, he was pretty damn good," said Brett.

There was plenty of pretty damn good. Brett was 5-for-5, with five RBIs, out of the No. 10 spot in Ewen's revamped order. Kathryn, who was moved up to No. 2 as part of Ewen's grand master plan, provided speed to put pressure on the other team.

The two mashers, Grant and Coach, remained in the heart of the order and produced. Grant, in the No. 3 spot, was 5-for-7 with six runs and two RBIs, while Coach was 7-for-7 with four runs and a riduculous 11 RBI out of the No. 4 hole.

Even Ewen, hitting just after Cutter, chipped in a little offensively, going 5-for-6 with four runs and five RBIS.

"We got support up and down the line," said Brett.

'Liners use solid defense to beat arch-rival Mudhens 12-9 on Fake Tag Night

Medium Well ... 1B/P/C Michelle and VMRESSSS rookie of the year candidate Brett compare sunburns they got while surfing in Laguna Beach, Calif., last week.

By Steve Ewen
HitBallFar.com Nutrition Reporter

One of the old guard and yet another new Headliner helped secure victory for everybody's favourite slopitch entertainment franchise Tuesday night.

Fabled veteran D-Tam plopped a double smack dab between 12 opponents in left field and newcomer Kevin 'Bloody News' Johns followed with a two-run home that provided the much-needed, last-bats insurance in a 12-9 victory over the arch rival Mudhens on Fake Tag Night at Gordon Park West Centre.

Biff supplied another sublime pitching performance for the 'Liners, holding the VMRESSSSSS's most potent offence to a mere two runs in the last five innings, to avenge a 30-11 drubbing at the hands of the 'Hens earlier this season.

"It's a different guy every night leading us, it seems," said team captain Ewen, taking a break from going off his wedding-induced diet with a munch on a chocolate-covered Rice Krispie treat. (Shameless product placement.) "Of course, we haven't had the same line-up for more than 10 seconds, so we've got different people every game. But you get the idea."

It was another makeshift 'Liner night. Johns, buddy of Poppy, came up big, adding a two-run double to wrap up a maxed-out six-run first inning. The 'Liners other call-up, Marilu Henner, made a classic late arrival in a taxi -- due to some miscommunication between her pal Poppy and Ewen -- but went on to supply solid defence at the rover spot.

"I don't know what it is...maybe we bring out the best in the call-ups," said Ewen. "Every one we've had -- and there have been plenty -- have been key to us."

Also key was the team's defence. Brett, playing on a  wonky ankle, made a couple of dazzling plays at short, while Rammer fought a Fenway-like sun in right field for a a pair of clutch catches and also tossed out Mudhen media darling PJ at second to kibosh a second-inning rally. Poor PJ was also tossed out at the plate by catcher-turned-pitcher-turned-first sacker Michelle on a 6-3-2 double play that ended the seventh.

"Screw Janie...Michelle has got a gun," PJ said afterwards, or something like that anyway.

Biff had his way with reigning league MVP Kyle, too, holding him to a 1-for-4. Biff induced Kyle to fly out to Rammer with two on and two out in the sixth and the 'Liners clinging to a 10-9 lead.

Kyle was involved in a messy play in the second, going for a fake tag on a steal by Kevin. Kevin slid, and busted up his knees, prompting Coach to scold Kyle afterwards. Ewen talked to Kyle following the game, telling him, "Yeah, whatever Coach said," and Kyle apologized to the 'Liners.

Big Sam and Rammer combine for 8 RBIs to lead 'Liners to victory against Drag-Ons

I Think It's Beer ... Big Sam and Rammer examine the ingredients before deciding whether or not Pilsner is good enough for them.

By Steve Ewen
HitBallFar.com Reporter

The Headliners Sam-Rammed their opposition Tuesday night.

Led by their No. 3-4 batting combination of Big Sam and Rammer, everybody's favourite slopitch entertainment franchise butted out the Drag-Ons 21-11 before a rule-book reading crowd at Gordon Park West Centre.

Big Sam remains perfect at the plate in his brief 'Liner career, putting together another 5-for-5 in his sophomore appearance. Included in that was a home run and four RBIs.

Rammer, meanwhile, struck for two home runs and four RBIs in a 3-for-5 night at the plate.

"Sorry, Kennedy, but 'Liner Small Ball is dead," said team captain Ewen, sucking back one of Holly's world-famous chocolate-covered cereal spheres (shameless Holly snack kudo) in the midst of talking up one of the several erstwhile 'Liners and his babblings about station-to-station schemes.

"We get Coach and Biff back in the line-up with these two long-ball loving yahoos and we're going to have move back the fences."

Lost in Big Sam and Rammer losing the ball deep, deep, deep was another solid effort by the 'Liner women. Michelle turned in second straight stellar pitching performance, settling down nicely after the 'Ons had jumped out to a 9-7 lead after two and a half innings. She also had a triple, an RBI and two runs scored.

Rover Kathryn turned in her finest outing of her rookie campaign to date, with three singles. And Snarla had a single and a run scored while playing a steady catcher.

"Our women rock," said Ewen.

The game was marred by a controversial last bats for the 'Liners, as the 'Ons ranted about lead-off Brett leaving the batter's box to hit a ball down the first base line. Ewen, umpiring, relented. The 'Liners picked up their beleagured captain, and scored four more runs in the seventh.

"Sometimes life sucks," said Ewen.

'Hey ya, hey ya, Coach is back'

By Steve Ewen
HitBallFar.com Snacks Reporter

It was the most interesting start to a Headliner post-game press conference ever, which says something.

"Coach is back and you're gonna be in trouble," sang team captain Ewen, with Holly, Michelle and Poppy shaking their tail feathers on the podium as well.

"Hey ya, hey ya, Coach is back," Holly, Michelle and Poppy chimed in.

"His first two at-bats sucked and then he hit a little double," sang Ewen.

"Hey ya, hey ya, Coach is back," the threesome followed.

"Then he hit one so far you could only see it with that telescope, the hubble," sang Ewen.

"Hey ya, hey ya, Coach is back," the three replied.

"Oh, I don't know if he's ever coming out again so you're better like what you saw..hey ya, ya," Ewen chortled, this time with feeling.

"Ya, Coach is back."

Everybody's slopitch entertainment franchise was in a sing-song mood with the return of much ballyhooed Coach, who hit a mammoth, monster, massive home run to right field in a 28-4 win over the Sluggers on Chicken Wing night at Gordon Park South East.

Ewen later broke out his guitar for a spirited version of his theme song, Johnny Cash's I Walk The Line, and an ode to erstwhile 'Liner Rintoul, the John Waite classic Missing You. And then he actually took some time to talk about the game, which was one of the better hitting performances in 'Liner history.

"We swung it well, from the top of the line-up all the way down," said Ewen, sipping on a Coke Zero (shameless product placement). "They aren't nearly as bad as we made them look. We hit the ball well."

Coach was key to that, but so was Poppy recruit Big Sam, who belted a pair of big-time homers in a 5-for-5 spot. And, for the first time in his 'Liner career, Jumbo didn't suck when hitting a top-six position in the batting order, rapping out a 5-for-6 from the No. 3 hole.

Ewen chipped in with a walk.

"We was good," said Ewen.

Lost in all this was the solid effort on the mound in her first career 'Liner start by Michelle. She worked fast, threw strikes and scared the beegeebers out of Ewen two or three times, throwing 90-miles per hour over to him at first base on comebackers.

"PItching isn't as hard as I can make it look, but it's also not as easy as Michelle made it look," said spot starter Ewen.

'LINER NOTES: Poppy and Kathryn set the bar for snacks this season, with their chicken wing/chocolate chip cookie combination. "Very inventive," said Ewen. Holly is promising fondue next, which, frankly, scares Ewen. ... If you haven't gotten in the pool on how many times B-Mac will play this season,  please contact Jumbo. ... After Ewen was done singing, Poppy followed up with John Mayer's Your Body is a Wonderland and then Jumbo had a, how you say, interesting arrangement for Soft Cell's Tainted Love.