HitBallFar.com - Official web site of Headliners Softball, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

Cool Report: We're starting to think Jeff Guiel really isn't coming out

Good with the leather and the bat ... Rookie shortstop Brett Cranston was voted co-MVP of the Headliners by the Slo-Pitch Softball Writers Association. He shares the honors with veteran infielder Steve Laing--the speedy duo combined for 96 runs and 84 RBIs at the top of the 'Liners line-up.

By Steve Ewen
HitBallFar.com Pseudo Cool Report Columnist

It's late. No point in adding to the wait with some long-winded, mindless attempt an intro.

Let's get it on...

COOL
"Suck it Ewen." It's the "Straighten it out, McKaig," for this generation.
NOT COOL
"Nobody can score like we can." For the record, I overheard Rintoul and Jumbo saying that to one another one night at the Roxy back in the BF (Before Fiona) Period. I don't think they were talking about the Headliners.

COOL
The addition of Brett. Stirling defensively, a speedster offensively, here's a vote for him sharing MVP honours with Lainger this season.
NOT COOL
The non-addition of Jeff Guiel. I'm starting to think he's not coming out.

COOL
Poppy. He's our most improved player. He's cut down on errors in right field and he's often making the spectacular play. And, at the plate, he's making solid contact way more consistently.
NOT COOL
Poppy's faux farewell. Look at a schedule kid -- don't you get enough emails telling you when games are?

COOL
Grant tackling B-Mac to celebrate the championship win.
NOT COOL
Grant going on a tackling rampage the following day, knocking down Bernie Pascall, Barry Houlihan, Michael Kennedy, and Norma Wick in separate incidents.

COOL
Kathryn. Great girl, and even has her own Headliners schtick already, getting pictures taken with snacks.
NOT COOL
People asking her all the time, "Are you really with Poppy? Did the judge make this part of some sort of community service in your sentence?"

COOL
The D-Tam-inspired Meat On A Stick promotion. (I was going to call it D-Tam's Meat On A Stick, but that sounds a little risque, and painful, frankly.) Easily the best snack experience. (Sorry Jumbo's mama's cookies and Tracey's melon balls.)
NOT COOL
Lainger hacking on Ewen about all other snacks, like it's all Ewen's fault. (It can't always be my fault, Lainger. Apparently you missed that memo.)

COOL
Hitting the cut-off man when it matter.
NOT COOL
Mentioning hitting the cut-off man when it matter. We won't hit another until 2011 now.

COOL
Lainger having to ask every single week where we are playing. It makes Ewen feel important.
NOT COOL
Ewen sometimes telling Lainger, "Surrey....148th and Adams." It makes Ewen feel dirty and adds to Lainger being late.

COOL
Kennedy's wrestling-inspired intros. Hardcore Holly....NICE!!!
NOT COOL
Ewen's slump with the regular intros. (That's my fault. You can hit me on that one, Lainger, when you're done snuggling with Farrah Fawcett.)

COOL
That guy from DP2 apologizing to Michelle for hitting a ball up the middle when she was pitching.
NOT COOL
Coach hacking on Ewen for hitting a ball up the middle against DP2, assuming that Ewen has some sort of bat control. (Again...another missed memo.)

COOL
Michelle getting Long Socks to pop out with the game on the line at the Midseason Tournament.
NOT COOL
Ewen putting that in because he knows Long Socks always reads www.hitballfar.com. Sorry about being in your head, kid.

COOL
Big boy.
NOT COOL
Cheezeburger.

COOL
Special guest appearances by Kinger and Donnie G.
NOT COOL
Where are you Erin Hobin?

COOL
Getting Marilu Henner a cab so that we didn't have to play one girl short.
NOT COOL
Having to call the cabbie on Lainger's old cell number.

COOL
Spares having cool nicknames: Big Sam, Bloody Knees, Pickles, Marilu Henner.
NOT COOL
How come we needed so many spares?

COOL
It's only a few months until the 2008 season begins.
NOT COOL
It's only a few minutes until your next email.

Headliners capture third VMRESSSSS league championship in four years

Our women rock! ... Tracey, Michelle, Holly, Kathryn, and Carla accept the VMRESSSSS championship trophy after the Headliners beat DP2, 20-17, at Gordon Park Tuesday night.

By Steve Ewen
HitBallFar.com Disco Reporter

Headliner team captain Ewen took a break Thursday from slow-dancing with the VMRESSSSSSSS championship trophy while singing 1979 Peaches and Herb hit "Reunited," to actually talk about everybody's favourite slopitch entertainment franchise winning its third banner in four years Tuesday.

"Did you know that Herb is on his third Peaches?" said Ewen, while knawing on some Quaker rice cakes. (Shameless plug for Carol-Ann's good influence. "It's true. He goes through them pretty good. Yeah, I had to look it up. If Googling is wrong, I don't want to be right.

"And another thing -- a bad peach is a fruit gone terribly awry. That's right, Rintoul, I listen to you baby on the morning show. YAHOO!!! We are the champions, baby. We're reunited and it feels so good."

OK. So it's going to take awhile to get Ewen on task. Here's a bid to help him out.

Tuesday's 20-17 triumph over DP2 in the championship game meant the 'Liners finished the season 18-3-1 overall, leaving them just behind their team best mark of 19-3, set during their first championship season of 2004. The 'Liners went 13-9 on the way to winning it all in 2005.

Among the keys to this year's championship was the addition of slick-fielding shorstop Brett, who soldified the infield defence and gave the team another speedster at the top of order alongside Rintoul and Lainger. There was also the return from injury by Biff, which firmed up both the heart of the order and the pitching staff. There was the emergence of Michelle as a pitcher, and the overall improvement of the likes of Holly and Poppy.

"And Coach didn't suck in the playoffs this time," chortled Ewen, in the midst of twirling the trophy.

The 'Liners could be even better next season, too. Davina might be back from the PL, adding to the depth on the women's side of things, and B-Mac might actually find a way to get to more than three games.

"It could take him a few games to tackle the Biff back," said Ewen.

HEADLINERS WIN! HEADLINERS WIN!

This is how we roll ... Rintoul, Ewen, and D-Tam show off the VMRESS League Championship trophy after the Headliners defeated DP2 to clinch their third title in four years. Full coverage will be posted soon.

SUCK IT, EWEN!: 'Liners beat Mudhens to advance to VMRESSSS championship

Cocked ... Headliners second baseman Steve (Lainger) Laing gets the force out with Adam of the Mudhens barrelling down on him in Monday's VMRESSSS semi-final.

By Steve Ewen
HitBallFar.com Nuptials Reporter

Three women and a ladies' man pushed the Headliners into the VMRESSSSS league final Monday night for the third time in four years.

Tracey, Holly and Michelle all had stellar games for everybody's favourite slopitch entertainment conglomerate, while 'Liner free spirit B-Mac came off the bench to score three runs, including the game winner, in an 11-10 triumph over the Mudhens before a jam-packed, Ewen-roasting crowd at Montgomery Park.

The 'Liners now take on DP2, after they stunned the powerhouse Masterbatters by something like a 14-12 count. This will be the first year since the 'Liners entered the VMRESSSSS back in 1985 that the 'Batters won't win some sort of trophy.

Of course, the 'Liners are trying to keep DP2, an expansion squad, from winning both crowns in their first season. DP2 beat the Mudhens in the Midseason Classic finale.

"DP2 is going to give us all we can handle," said Ewen, sucking back some Danone Activia Strawberry Yogurt in the postgame media scrum. (Shameless plug for Carol-Ann's good influence.) "But we showed tonight that we can handle plenty."

The 'Liners rallied from a 7-0, third-inning deficit to advance to the championship game for the first time since 2005, when they captured their second of back-to-back crowns.

Like in those championship years, the 'Liner ladies were key Monday night. Michelle had a lead-off single and came around to score her team's opening run in a four-run third inning. Tracey also had a key run-scoring single in that frame.

Holly made several clutch catches in the outfield, including a pair on towering drives off the bat of Mudhens slugger Adam, and Michelle gunned down Kim trying to steal second after leading off their final at-bats with a single.

"Our ladies rock," said Ewen. "It's funny, but they always seem to play better when B-Mac is around, too."

B-Mac, making a surprise appearance, came into the game in the third for an injured Kennedy in the third. He reached on errors by centre fielder Matt in the fourth and sixth, later scoring each time, and then actually hit a legitimate double to lead off the 'Liners last bats in the eighth. He came home two batters later on a liner down the left field line by Rintoul.

"Gotta love B-Mac," said Ewen.

Rintoul masterful on the bump and at the plate as 'Liners roll to another victory

Belated Wedding Gift ... Holly is excited as Ewen opens a wedding gift: an autographed Buffalo Sabres jersey by NHL Hall of Famer Gilbert Perrault.

By Steve Ewen
HitBallFar.com Reporter

The Headliners are heading into the next round of the VMRESSSSS playoffs amid rumours that there is a rift in their Pretty Boy TV Guys.

Jumbo was AWOL for Monday night's quarterfinal match-up against the Rhinos but his capable cohort Rintoul surprisingly didn't seem the least little bit worried about it.

Rintoul turned in one of his best games ever as a 'Liner, pitching a gem and bashing two home runs in a 4-for-5 effort at the plate, en route to a 27-13 romp on Bring Your Dirty Thoughts to the Game night at Montgomery Park North Centre.

The top-seeded 'Liners now await the winners of Tuesday's tilts between the No. 4 Mudhens and No. 5 Drag-Ons and between the No. 3 DP2 and No. 6 Sluggers to decide their semifinal opponent on this Monday, again at Montgomery.

Whether Jumbo will be there is open to question. The slopitch chat rooms were running wild with speculation after the win over the Rhinos. There was talk that Rintoul's rumoured turn as a 20-something Danny Bonaduce in the upcoming Partridge Family Movie was upsetting the straight-laced Jumbo; there were stories about Jumbo catching Rintoul in the act of buying Ugg Boots at Metrotown for Rintoul's funky gal pal Fiona; Facebook nearly shut down with all the people poking Jumbo.

'Liner captain Ewen did his best to shoot down all the scuttlebutt.

"It's all good in 'Liner land," he said, in between handfuls of Fresh Gourmet Crunchy Salad Topping tortilla strips. (Shameless attempt to let Carol-Ann know that Ewen is eating salad.) "Jumbo will come back to the fold and Rintoul will continue to tear it up in the playoffs like he always does.

"Where was Jumbo? It doesn't matter. He'll come through when he's called upon."

Pitcher/catcher/infielder Michelle added: "Yeah, Jumbo is great. Rintoul is great. But does anybody remember that Brett struck out two weeks ago? Ewen is using this all as a smokescreen to cover it up."

Ewen chimed in: "That was a long time ago."

Outfielder Holly interjected: "Suck it, Ewen."

Yes, the 'Liners have their playoff feisty on. And Holly was one of the leaders in that, stroking a two-run double in the second that kickstarted the offence. Outfielder Rammer was 5-for-5  with four runs scored. With Rammer and Holly leading the way, the bottom four spots in the batting order scored 10 runs, one of the season-best performances for that portion of the order.

Rintoul, the lead-off hitter, certainly helped in that regard. He belted a mammoth two-run home run in the fourth that put the game away for the 'Liners and then added another dinger in the fifth.

He was marvelous on the mound as well. He consistently tossed first-pitch strikes, and then baffled batters with several twisting, turning offerings. Masterbatter hurler Stevie Y., the ace of the VMRESSSSSS, watched the game for an adjacent field and couldn't rave enough about Rintoul's effort from the bump.

Seriously, he couldn't stop the compliments. To be honest, the praise got a little bit creepy at points.

"If you're going to have a man crush on a 'Liner, I thought by rules it had to be B-Mac," shrugged Ewen. "Rintoul was very good, mind you. But it's OK to love Rintoul; it's not OK to LOVE Rintoul."

Michelle reported: "Whatever...I think Ewen has a man crush on Brett."

Holly chortled: "Yeah...Ewen needs to suck it."

Rammer explained: "I think what Ewen really needs is to stop with this whole literary device of humour through fake quotes from other players. It's quite pedestrian after awhile."

Infielder D-Tam said: "That's very good analysis, Rick. You might be as good a critic as you are a hitter."

Rintoul demanded: "Can we get back to talking about how good I played?"

Yes, Rintoul did dominate the game on the mound, and Kennedy made a dazzling catch in his place in centre field to end the contest, but Rintoul is slated to go back to his usual outfield spot for Monday's semifinal. Biff gets the call on the mound.

Michelle's junk plays key role in Headliners' win against expansion DP2

Brett Sandwich ... VMRESSSSS rookie shortstop sensation Brett Cranston is caught in the middle between Holly Hayes and Michelle Wymer after a regular-season ending victory.

By Steve Ewen
HitBallFar.com Correspondent

Michelle had her junk working Tuesday night.

And her breaking stuff, too.

(Sorry Brett. Sorry Kennedy. Sorry Snarla.)

Michelle, the Headliners veribose vixen, twirled a marvelous game Tuesday, leading everybody's favourite slopitch entertainment conglomerate to a 28-16 win over DP2 that clinched both the VMRESSSSS regular season crown and the first annual Beer Battle.

The 'Liners, who finished league play 12-2, clinched their first regular season crown since 2004, when they went 13-1 en route to claiming the playoff title as well.

They'll open this postseason next Monday against the No. 8 seeded Earl's Albino Rhinos. Michelle won't get the start on the mound in that game, giving way instead to Rintoul, but she's bound to see more work in the playoffs, what with the way her off-speed array befuddled DP2.

She also gets an extra helping of the 24 beer team captain Ewen won from his DP2 counterpart Barry. Barry challenged Ewen to a barley duel earlier this season.

"There were a couple of times that she started off a pitch so far outside I'd start to say, 'What the hell is she doing?' but before I could finish the sentence the ball would make this nasty break and suddenly drop in for a strike," said Ewen, sucking back at a Danone strawberry yogurt in the postgame media scrum. (Shameless yogurt plug.) "Granted, I talk about as fast as I run, so that ball did have some time to break, but you get the idea.

"She pulled an Edgell and walked three girls, but, like Kennedy, says, the Boobphobia is cool. And Michelle clutched up when it mattered, getting those three big strikeouts. That one on Barry, with two on and none out in the seventh, was nasty."

Michelle, who was also 3-for-5 with a clutch double in a six-run third inning, was named the 'Liners female MVP for the game. Centre fielder Rintoul, who hit a trend-setting lead-off homer in the first on his way to a 6-for-6, four-run effort, took male MVP honours.

The MVPs were picked by the VMRESSSSSSS league office. That is unusual, but it was an unusual night. Grant was giddy, Rintoul was grumpy, Lainger was early, and Coach hit a squibber to the left side of the infield.

"The fact that I got married, and to a girl, and it wasn't arranged, has thrown some people off," said Ewen.

Ewen had predicted Rintoul would take MVP honours for Tuesday night's game, but all his soothsaying isn't coming to fruition, it seems. Ewen's been plugging Kennedy as the team batting average champion, but Coach's appearance, along with his 6-for-6 effort, now puts him in line.

Coach is batting .870 (20-for-23) and, according to the VMRESSSSSS office again, players must have at least one at-bat for every game played by their team to be eligible for their team batting title. If they make the final, the 'Liners will play 22 games this season.

Kennedy came off the bench to go 1-for-2 and now sits at .700 (21-for-30). Lainger, whose 4-for-4 effort pushed him to .767 (46-for-60) could catch Coach, just as long as Lainger can figure out what field the playoff games are at.

"Poor Lainger," said Ewen.

P-Tart wins MVP honors in his last game before leaving for Bangkok

Retired Headliner infielder Donnie G. made a special appearance at last night's game in which the 'Liners beat the Drag-Ons to move one game closer to the VMRESSSSS regular-season title. The Headliners can clinch top spot in the playoffs with a win against the expansion DP2 next Tuesday at Gordon Park.

By Steve Ewen
HitBallFar.com Street Reporter

It was a game a daddy, and by this we don't mean his birth father but Terry McKaig, could love.

Poppy bid adieu, adios, arrivederci, au revoir and just plain, 'I'm out,'  to the Headliners Tuesday by grabbing one of the team MVP honours in a 26-15 triumph over the Drag-Ons before a dog-loving crowd at Gordon Park West Centre.

Poppy sparked the 'Liners offence early with a two-run home run and also made a nifty sliding catch in right field to squash a Drag-On rally in their final at-bats in the eighth inning. As well, he dropped an easy flyball to allow two runs to score, had a foul-out strikeout and got caught stealing.

It was mostly the new and much improved Poppy, but he tossed in a little of the old for the fans, which included venerable veteran 'Liner Donnie G.

Poppy leaves this week for Bangkok. No reasons have been announced, although Bangkok is reportedly the leading producer in the world of pink t-shirts.

"We're going to miss the kid in our run at another championship," team captain Ewen said in between bites of his no-name Safeway trail mix. (Shameless attempt to let Carol-Ann know he's still keeping to their new budget.)

"Poppy has come so far and, in my mind, he's been one of our more consistent guys this season. He's an extra-base demon usually and he's become a sure thing in right field. He's turned himself into quite a player."

Left fielder Rammer added: "I think the kid has done a lot of work on his own, and Coach McKaig has probably chipped in with some tips, too."

Pitcher Michelle explained: "Yeah, Poppy is something. But can you believe that this story was going to be written without any mention of Brett striking out? What's with that? Is Ewen just trying to set the tone for the next time he strikes out and make sure its covered up, too? Think of all the ammo I've got now and Ewen was going to try to strike it from the history books."

Third sacker D-Tam chimed in: "Yeah, Ewen's just covering for himself. And that whole adieu and adios schtick he had at the start of the story was probably something he had to look up."

Catcher/rover Kathryn, who seems to spend a lot of time with Poppy, interrupted: "Can we get back on the topic here, please?"

Thank you.

The 'Liners turned in a solid night defensively. Rintoul made another dazzling catch in centre look routine, while Rammer showed impressive range to make a nifty running grab down the line in left, too.

And everybody's favourite slopitch entertainment franchise continued to show they could swing the bat. Besides Poppy's offensive outburst, shortstop Brett was perfect in his first four at-bats, with two doubles, two singles, four runs and three RBIs. His fifth at-bat escapes memory.

Kennedy, who split time between third and short, kept up his Clemens-like abbreviated run at the batting title, too,  with a 5-for-6 effort.

Even Ewen helped out at the dish, hitting a home run and a double. OK, he ran the home run into a triple and ran the double into a single, but you get the idea. All told, he was a career-best 6-for-6, with three runs and five RBIs, taking full advantage of batting behind slugger Grant. Grant, who split time between second base and the pitching mound, was 4-for-6 with four runs and three RBIs.

"Yeah, Ewen was freakin' great," harrumphed Michelle, who was 4-for-4 herself in a half-game effort. "But I'm sure the next time he strikes out I'll get whisked away in the press."

"Screw that...Ewen sets up the line-up just to make himself look good," lamented injured first sacker Tracey, who didn't play Tuesday night.

"Ewen's got his favourites...don't bug him about that," interjected retired outfielder Vogt, a longtime Ewen ally who somehow got quoted in this story even though he lives in Ontario now.

"Which one is Ewen again?" questioned second sacker Lainger, who made the paper even though he missed the game altogether for some hip-replacement conference in the Interior.

"Focus people," demanded Kathryn.

Thank you again.

The triumph means that the 'Liners are still in line to capture their first regular season crown since 2004. A win in the season finale against expansion DP2 assures that.  A loss means that the 'Liners would slip to third spot, behind the Masterbatters and DP2. DP2 beat the 'Liners 16-14 earlier this season.

Donnie G. told the media on hand that he may attend some playoff games.